Mrs. Edwards and the Strange Performance

James, my housemate, and I got the privilege of picking up Mrs. Edwards (John Edward's wife) from the LAX airport. They rented us this big black car and James drove us there. I hadn't paid any attention to the way we got there, I was just along for the ride.

We got out of the car and waited for Mrs. Edwards and finally she arrived. Mrs. Edwards, a little girl with a blond pony tail and a older teenage boy, maybe pushing 20 sporting a small light brown Mohawk got into the car. Mrs. Edwards sat in the middle. She demanded that I drove, and James begrudgingly handed me the keys. I got in the drivers seat of the giant car, and made James put his seat back further so we'd be at the same level. I started the engine and looked down at the steering wheel. It was a dodge, and I was surprised. Who'd pick up the potential first wife in a DODGE? She liked it, I suppose.

The car was massive and I wasn't used to driving it. I tried to turn left at the intersection, but she snapped at me to turn right. I had no idea where I was going, because I didn't think I'd be driving, that was James' job. To our left was a body of water... it might have been a lake. But in the water were these giant nets and giant plastic containers holding tons and tons of empty and full Pepsi bottles. Some of them were half empty, and several had escaped the holding tank. Apparently it was some sort of recycling center. I was amazed by the massive amounts of Pepsi bottles just floating in the water.

The road curved around to a building and Mrs. Edwards told me to stop. She got out of the car quickly and disappeared into the building. James followed. I didn't know what to do, so I got out too and chased after them. They were moving so fast, I kept losing them. I went up and down, and up and down lots and lots of staircases and finally saw james. It was like chasing the rabbit down the rabbit hole. We darted down one last flight of stairs and saw Mrs. Edwards and an older man with a peter pan hat on a mini stage, that looked like it may have something behind it. He scoffed at us when she introduced us as her drivers, and then went behind the door. She called me up on stage and demanded me to read lines with her from a play. She opened the book.

"Read these lines in a 20's British accent"

I looked at her like she was crazy. I hadn't read lines since i was fifteen and had never really been good at it. Plus the part was supposed to be a male. I tried, and she began her part. My jaw dropped.... this woman was like Miranda Priestly from the Devil Wears Prada. She was rude, haughty, and not to be messed with. But suddenly, she actually had character. She noticed that I'd stopped reading and said, "silly girl, why aren't' you reading lines!"

I had lost my place. I looked down but the pages had been torn up. I stumbled through pages and pages, trying to find where I had left off but I couldn't find it. She was getting impatient and angry. Out of nowhere, Ivan Van Norman (insert real life: I’ve had him in ONE class and I don’t know really who he is) came up and had two yogurt cups… he wanted to show me a magic trick. He “magically” smashed the two together to make it one yogurt cup and Mrs. Edwards had been watching. She stormed across the stage and showed everyone how the trick worked… one of the yogurt cups was missing the bottom. Ivan’s happy face sunk into a embarrassed frown and he walked offstage. I tried again to find my place in the play, but Mrs. Edwards just got angrier and angrier. A few people tried to help, but it was no use. Too many pages were missing from the book. This sparked something in Mrs. Edwards, and all of a sudden she was a one woman show. She began speaking lines from a play I had never heard of and I used to opportunity to get away from her. I went back to James and realized I’d lost the rental car key, but he told me he had put it in my pocket. I reached in and sure enough, there it was.

The performance went on to include Mrs. Edwards doing all sorts of crazy things, and eventually she lost her pants. They just fell down. She was wearing old lady blue pants with white heels. She had no waist and they just fell down. I rushed over there to cover her up from the audience that had appeared, and to my surprise, she just started laughing. James came onstage to help and asked if she was alright, and she hit him. She hit him over and over again laughing, and they lauched into a competition to see who was better. They played, monkey see monkey do, and began to jump into nets to outdo each other. This old lady and James. It was quite a sight. Eventually she tired out and regained her composure. I was terrified she was going to fire me, and banish me from the US or something. She turned towards me with a strange look on her face.

“That was the most fun I’ve had in a long, long time,” she said, smiling.

*editors note: in real life, James really did pick up Mrs. Edwards last night from LAX. He got a rental car and a GPS system and drove Mr. and Mrs. Edwards around on a date. He's their driver until Saturday night.