Mrs. Edwards and the Strange Performance

James, my housemate, and I got the privilege of picking up Mrs. Edwards (John Edward's wife) from the LAX airport. They rented us this big black car and James drove us there. I hadn't paid any attention to the way we got there, I was just along for the ride.

We got out of the car and waited for Mrs. Edwards and finally she arrived. Mrs. Edwards, a little girl with a blond pony tail and a older teenage boy, maybe pushing 20 sporting a small light brown Mohawk got into the car. Mrs. Edwards sat in the middle. She demanded that I drove, and James begrudgingly handed me the keys. I got in the drivers seat of the giant car, and made James put his seat back further so we'd be at the same level. I started the engine and looked down at the steering wheel. It was a dodge, and I was surprised. Who'd pick up the potential first wife in a DODGE? She liked it, I suppose.

The car was massive and I wasn't used to driving it. I tried to turn left at the intersection, but she snapped at me to turn right. I had no idea where I was going, because I didn't think I'd be driving, that was James' job. To our left was a body of water... it might have been a lake. But in the water were these giant nets and giant plastic containers holding tons and tons of empty and full Pepsi bottles. Some of them were half empty, and several had escaped the holding tank. Apparently it was some sort of recycling center. I was amazed by the massive amounts of Pepsi bottles just floating in the water.

The road curved around to a building and Mrs. Edwards told me to stop. She got out of the car quickly and disappeared into the building. James followed. I didn't know what to do, so I got out too and chased after them. They were moving so fast, I kept losing them. I went up and down, and up and down lots and lots of staircases and finally saw james. It was like chasing the rabbit down the rabbit hole. We darted down one last flight of stairs and saw Mrs. Edwards and an older man with a peter pan hat on a mini stage, that looked like it may have something behind it. He scoffed at us when she introduced us as her drivers, and then went behind the door. She called me up on stage and demanded me to read lines with her from a play. She opened the book.

"Read these lines in a 20's British accent"

I looked at her like she was crazy. I hadn't read lines since i was fifteen and had never really been good at it. Plus the part was supposed to be a male. I tried, and she began her part. My jaw dropped.... this woman was like Miranda Priestly from the Devil Wears Prada. She was rude, haughty, and not to be messed with. But suddenly, she actually had character. She noticed that I'd stopped reading and said, "silly girl, why aren't' you reading lines!"

I had lost my place. I looked down but the pages had been torn up. I stumbled through pages and pages, trying to find where I had left off but I couldn't find it. She was getting impatient and angry. Out of nowhere, Ivan Van Norman (insert real life: I’ve had him in ONE class and I don’t know really who he is) came up and had two yogurt cups… he wanted to show me a magic trick. He “magically” smashed the two together to make it one yogurt cup and Mrs. Edwards had been watching. She stormed across the stage and showed everyone how the trick worked… one of the yogurt cups was missing the bottom. Ivan’s happy face sunk into a embarrassed frown and he walked offstage. I tried again to find my place in the play, but Mrs. Edwards just got angrier and angrier. A few people tried to help, but it was no use. Too many pages were missing from the book. This sparked something in Mrs. Edwards, and all of a sudden she was a one woman show. She began speaking lines from a play I had never heard of and I used to opportunity to get away from her. I went back to James and realized I’d lost the rental car key, but he told me he had put it in my pocket. I reached in and sure enough, there it was.

The performance went on to include Mrs. Edwards doing all sorts of crazy things, and eventually she lost her pants. They just fell down. She was wearing old lady blue pants with white heels. She had no waist and they just fell down. I rushed over there to cover her up from the audience that had appeared, and to my surprise, she just started laughing. James came onstage to help and asked if she was alright, and she hit him. She hit him over and over again laughing, and they lauched into a competition to see who was better. They played, monkey see monkey do, and began to jump into nets to outdo each other. This old lady and James. It was quite a sight. Eventually she tired out and regained her composure. I was terrified she was going to fire me, and banish me from the US or something. She turned towards me with a strange look on her face.

“That was the most fun I’ve had in a long, long time,” she said, smiling.

*editors note: in real life, James really did pick up Mrs. Edwards last night from LAX. He got a rental car and a GPS system and drove Mr. and Mrs. Edwards around on a date. He's their driver until Saturday night.

the man in the maroon turtleneck

I was in vegas. But it wasn't vegas at all. It was the Anaheim Convention Center in Reno, like how all the casinos connect to each other... you start in one and begin wandering around until you feel like you've been walking around in circles. You could do that all day and never go outside.

I met a man, a tall, thin, wiry man with a maroon turtleneck, dark hair, and an iphone. He had a baby. Her name was Suri and she had the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Bright blue, but not piercing. Calm blue. She was maybe about eight months old and dressed in a white outfit, wrapped in a blanket. He handed her to me and told me to watch over her, but he'd be back. He handed me the phone and I didn't really think it was that big of a deal that he was giving me his baby. Not to keep, just to watch for awhile. Said if there were any emergencies, to call him on the iphone. But that didn't make sense, because it was his phone, how would I reach him if he was giving me his phone?

I ended up meeting up with someone else. I couldn't tell you if it was a man or a woman, an older person or young. Although it may have been shannon, my old college roommate. Either way, I took a break from babysitting somehow and my mother told me I needed to meet up with this girl, Anna, from my high school who I had never been friends with and haven't talked to since the eighth grade, at the peter pan sign downstairs. I couldn't remember where that was, so instead of meeting there, we just walked down to the beach. This guy David, from crosswalk, was there organizing a bible walk and directing firetrucks onto the sand. It was hot and the sand was difficult to walk on. Anna and I agreed to meet up later, again at the peter pan sign. I was back in the convention center holding Suri, walking back and forth, when the iphone beeped.

"I have an emergency"

Initially I didn't panic, I handed the phone to the person I was with. I never saw its face. But it was with me. Suri woke up and started to cry, so i walked back and forth, stroking her head and talking to her until she went back to sleep. My arm hurt, so I let her sleep on my shoulder, face down. She liked that.

My attention went back to the iphone. "Ask what the emergency is," I said to It. It texted the person back, asking what was up and telling the person that I was just the babysitter and I didn't know how to get ahold of the man in the maroon turtleneck. We waited, and there was no response. I started to worry, that maybe it was the baby's mother and there was something really wrong. The scenario played out in my head... the man in the maroon turtleneck was gone forever and I was left to take care of Suri. Or he would come back and ask me to take care of the baby with him. I had all these images playing in my head and I started to freak out... I couldn't have a baby. I couldn't have a baby because I don't know how to take care of one. I don't know how to love someone unconditionally and fully, to sacrifice myself for another human being and I don't know if I could. I loved this baby though, I had only been with Suri for a little while but already I knew her. I knew her and I loved her. But I couldn't have her. She wasn't mine and I couldn't love her the way her mother loved her. Her small body felt heavy in my arms, her presence foreign. I couldn't take care of this baby. I couldn't. Could I? Maybe I could. Maybe, even though I knew i couldn't do it, I could. Maybe she'd like me, and maybe i'd be okay. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe she'd grow up to be like me, and maybe she'd even love me back. Maybe-

the iphone rang. it was the person. It looked at it and a strange look came across the face. It handed me the phone.

"the cows are licking me and I don't know what to do. They're wandering."

I nearly threw the iphone across the room. In that moment of relief and rage, i saw maroon walking towards me. Suri stirred in my arms and I looked down. She opened her eyes slowly and something in those baby blues said something to me. Looking back up, the man in the maroon turtleneck was in front of me.

"thank you for taking care of my baby," he said.

"there was an emergency, everything's okay," I said. "I think. But you might want to check on your friend with the cows."

He nodded knowingly. He gently lifted Suri out of my arms and I felt a huge burden had been lifted from me. As he walked away, i suddenly felt the urge to run up to the man in the maroon turtleneck and give Suri one last kiss on her forehead. I fought the urge to hold her close to my body, to place my hand on the back of her head and look back into the baby blue eyes and tell her I loved her. I closed my eyes for a moment, to let the feeling go away but it didn't.

I opened my eyes and they were gone. Suri and the man in the maroon turtleneck.